I was seventeen when I fell in love with you.You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. You made me laugh and you made my life the best life I could live. I love how our eyes compliment your smile, how your smile compliment your eyes, and how I could get lost in awe staring at either one. I love how I can say your name over and over again, without getting tired of it. I love all the silly screenshots we have of each other, and how you always check your hair in the bathroom before we take a picture. I fell in love with the way you sleep and how your name is on the ceiling when I wake up not because I wrote it there, but because you’re the first thing on my mind every morning. I love the fact that we have your youth spent with each other. I would trade all the worlds for you, as you’d do the same for me. I love how I can be myself around you, how I can share secrets with you knowing they’re safe. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. People called us insane but we never listen.
I was wrong. I was even happier when you accepted to be with you for the rest of our lives. I couldn’t contain every happiness I feel in my bones. I thought I’d burst into million colors and hold you like there’s no one in the world but us. Those precious years are with me, my dear. Whenever you’re sad, I make you mac n’ cheese or hot chocolate. Or dance waltz with you, just like old times. When you’re sad, I hold you while you cry and let you fall asleep with your head in my lap. I wrap you in a blanket, whisper words to you to let you know you are loved, and leave you to be alone for a bit.
You occupy a good-sized apartment in my brain. I can’t get you out and I don’t want you to get out. I’d rather be doing anything with you- watching your eyes as you look on things, the way you smile at the human beings you encounter, the way they smile back. I am happy I am this close to you. You mean every universe to me.
We took an oath right? A promise? A promise that we’ll be there for each other.
I miss you. I miss the way you wake me up in the morning with the smell of coffee on the table. I miss your bad jokes and your drawings of terrible pictures of us in our bedroom wall. I miss watching funny videos of our younger years. Your imagination, your whole being.
They constantly ask how I’m doing. I want to tell them the truth- that I’m having a really hard time without you. I always wonder how it would be like if things went differently, if cancer was curable or if your heart was stronger. I was too afraid to say things worth saying. I miss the way your body felt against mine when you held me tight for the last time. I wanted to hold you and take you home but instead, you’re gone.
They ask if I’m okay but words feels so hollow, so empty. I wish you would just listen to me and know that I’m weak. I guess without you, I’m nobody. I would never be anyone but yours.
I said “I’m fine.” and gave a smile. I will always say I’m fine.