A Little Lost

Written last night on a draft notebook

 

what do i want in my life?
i really have no idea. everything is building up and having dreams but me, i’m just.. i feel so scripted.
mama wants me to have a decent job, go to work everyday and have a big fat paycheck. is that happy? will that make me happy? i feel sooo scripted.
everybody just want me to succeed in life. they count too much on me.
i can’t do those things. i know i will fail sooner or later. but i feel empty. i’m losing hope.
uhh. i feel so weak right now. i wish somebody could understand. i feel like i’m not living yet. I’m missing some good and happy times in my teenage years.
i hate being so happy one time then so depressed the next. it’s so pathetic and immature. but i guess i’m still immature. and i’m just hiding my sad face all the time. i don’t want to cry in front of everybody. that makes me a loser.
i’m not ready yet, if that’s the right words to put it. i feel the whole world is put up on my shoulders.
it’s really disturbing me.
after school, i go straight to work then die after.
is life that scripted?
we are young for some time then grow old and have wrinkled skins and aging bodies and gray hairs and delicate bones. and goodness, i can’t stand thinking about life insurances. i hate knowing i’m gonna die soon.
i was happy before. i just don’t know what happened.
i think it all occurred at the same day. all the problems, the dilemmas, the heartache, the confusions.
i hate growing up. i just feel so empty and i think i have no idea what to do after all this.
I don’t even have a plan.
i don’t know if i wanted to have a family or stay like this forever. i don’t know if i could do everything people expect me to do.
I don’t know what’s happening anymore.
Everybody knows where they’re going but not me. I’m…lost?

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