This is the hardest part of being me.
At one point, I attatch myself to people I care so much that when they leave me, I have no one to talk to. I just feel so abandoned, left- depressed, even. It’s like there’s this circle of feelings I can’t get out. You know why it is so hard? It’s because I feel that everyone is moving along with their own happy smiles and constantly improving and every thing else around me seems to be bubbling up and I cannot move. Like I’m on a pitch black room and I have to reach my hand to touch things that I’m not even aware if there are. It is hard because I have no one else to say these things to.
Sometimes I think I’m living just because I have to and I have no real reason why I still exist. I wake up, I eat, I go to school, get home then sleep again – all for what? The wind is blowing me to where it wanted, not where I want to be.
I have no self-confidence, I’m aware of that. I’m full of flaws. In fact, the only hiding place I have is whenever I write, which of course, nobody would ever read. That’s the thing about me. I have millions of feelings and a bit more would make me burst. But then again, I don’t want to be an open book for everyone to read because I only trust a few people, which in this case, I’ve lost.
There are a couple of times in a day when I just realize the mocking reality of my life. Life, in my own experience, is tragic. Dramatic as it would sound, it’s true. I feel so alone yet I know no one I could share this thoughts with. I’m living in a paradox world.
In the end, all I ever wanted is simple. To be Happy. It’s strange that I’ve never been happy the whole day (call me emo, that’s okay). Which is why I made a wishlist and somewhere down the list I inserted a line that says *To be happy for the whole day* and consistently, I never managed to be happy the whole fucking day. It’s sad to know I’m like this. I’m not happy. I think I never will. I miss being a kid. I could sleep the whole day. I could colour the walls with my magical pen. I could create imaginary friends that will help me defeat the monsters underneath my bed. I could stare at the night sky and wonder why the moon is following me or is there really somebody living on the surface of the moon staring back at me.
Maybe I should wish for travelling in outerspace- and meet the boy in the moon.