He who is not busy being born is busy dying

Here’s a funny story. I didn’t know I’m a messed up kid until college. Not until people tell me that I’m too emotional and crappy. In high school, I was known to be a smart girl- I write and join clubs. I used to be bubbly. I mean, I had my better days. My classmates crack up when I tell real good jokes. They’re pretty impressed with my lame pick up lines. Or whatever I had in my mind.

But there comes a time when in just one day, all the problems came out of nowhere. The pressure of keeping a good grade, of the expectations of my family to graduate high school and get into a good university and eventually get a good job, of knowing the status quo, of boys, of girls, of the everyday changes of a teenage body. There are days when I just want to lay down in bed. Not to sleep but just to think about life. And realize why I feel so damn shitty. They told me to just be “okay”. But trust me, I want to be okay as well. Well, who don’t want to be happy all the time?

I wanted to explain so much more but as of now, after a week-long of depression and anxiety attacks which I may add, I haven’t told anybody about, I’m feeling better than last Saturday. I can’t say I’ll always be on the right mind or think that life is good because in fact, life is messy and mine is just under renovation. I don’t want to upset anybody especially my family which is why I’m taking things slowly. I will try not to do crazy stuff to myself. And I will help other people with depression. I will talk to friends who deals with the same problems. I will share my own story of anxiety and depression. I will share how day by day I can cope up. I will sing. I will write more. I will publish more of my works. I will blog more because that is where I can release all my heartaches. I will smile often. I will laugh more often. I will try to catch up with my friends. I will try to get my shit together instead of crumbling down just because people don’t always understand. I will try to appreciate life and all its twisted glory. I will forever praise my Lord for always giving me the strength to change the things that I can and the courage to accept the things that I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference. I will talk to people more often. I will cry. I will be sad but I know things will always be okay. I will let the bad days pass. I will celebrate the good days. I will dance. I will dance even if I don’t look good. I will tell my family and friends they’re beautiful and I love them. I will tell myself that I’m okay with me being me. I will tell myself that I am an art with all my messed up paint and crooked corners.

I will love. I will breathe. I will live.

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