An Open Letter to my Best Friend

I used to call you “mon petit chou”, my soul mate, and my best friend. I don’t believe in forever but somehow, you being with me made me believe that I could be anything I dreamed to be, and that is more than enough of what other people’s view of ‘forever’ is for me. We used to dream the same dreams and reach goals side by side. We promised that we’d grow and see the world in our own eyes together, but I guess not anymore.

I’m pretty sure we’re still close by this time last year and we’re probably texting about random things and laughing about inside jokes only we know about. Remember how we usually text each other and get an instant reply? But now everything seems different. Whenever I see your name on my phone’s notification, I get instant goose bumps that you somehow remembered me, or that you managed to return my texts. Either way, at least you’re talking to me. And for now, that’s more than enough. We always hear about people losing touch with their best friends but never in my wildest thoughts would I think that we would become like them- best friends who suddenly drifted apart for some reasons. I’m not sure how we ended up here but I admit it’s my fault. I failed to be beside you when you needed me the most. I let you go and that’s probably the biggest and dumbest mistake I’ve ever done in my life. You were once my biggest influence. You were the one person I run to first whenever I feel like the whole world is against me and nobody seems to understand.

Maybe there’ll be no words that will equate to how much I miss you right now. Somehow, I ended up misguided and lost. But to be honest, it feels like you never miss me the way that I miss you. You are a big part of who I am right now. So where do I go from here? Now, whenever I catch a glimpse of your tweet or your occasional post on Facebook, it somehow pains me now that your life is perfectly fine without me. It’s bittersweet in a way, but I have to accept that you got this smile now that I’m out of your life, now that I’m not a burden that goes your way. But you should know that I’ll miss the way we connect. I wondered how I was so blessed to have a friend that knows what’s going on inside my head and how you would know what to do when I’m a mess. And now I’m left with no information to what’s going on in your life no matter how much I want to know.

We had this conversation before- that we would never break up. But I guess not all promises are kept. We lost our connection and I’m like a satellite freely roaming the expanding universe with no one to hold on to.

It would be a lie if I told you that I wouldn’t want you back because in fact, I would trade anything to have you again and again. But I guess you are fed up with all my mistakes and this time, you won’t look back to where I am and what we had. Sometimes I sit alone in traffic getting lost in my thoughts and I think about getting in touch with you again just to remember how close we used to be.

Would you be happy to see me again? Do you long for my stories too? I guess most of my favorite moments happened when you’re by my side. Looking back, I never thought we’d end up like this. I never thought that in a year or so, we won’t talk for months and time would fly by without us knowing what’s going on. And when we finally do, it ends up with us hating each other more. Was it years ago that we went to our favorite band concerts and climbed a mountain and swam on cold beaches and fell in love with the sound of thunder each time we go home late and it’s raining? Now it’s a distant memory like I’m looking at old photographs attempting to remember what we used to have. And yes, I made a few friends here and there but I’ve never felt close to any of them as I used to feel with you. I guess that’s why you were my best friend.

And now I’m not even sure if I could casually call you my friend. It’s clear that you don’t want me to be your best friend. You may even think that you regret sharing your life with me but know that I am thankful. I’m filled with so much gratefulness in my heart that I got to know somebody like you. Everything we had is irreplaceable to me. I used to laugh whenever people look for you if you’re not beside me. We’re partners like that.

I wish you well wherever you are. Life, as it turned out, is pretty amazing. And I know great things are coming for you because whenever I see you, I see somebody who could rule the world by storm and I’m not sure you even know it. And if you’re feeling lost or scared or lonely, or even if you’re beginning to doubt your decisions, know that you can always do it. Things will be crazy and overwhelming and hard but know in your heart that you are destined for something much bigger than your worries. You are strong enough to go through difficult parts in your life to be able to experience the astonishing ones. You are one of the most beautiful and authentic people I know. You exist in a universe where you matter, no matter how insignificant you might think you are. And while it breaks my heart to know that I’ll never see you shine like an astronomical blessing you are destined to be, I know that things will be amazing for you.

I envy people who would see your happiness from time to time. I just wish they’ll treat you better than I did. There’s no one like you. And even if it’s not my place to call you my best friend anymore, I will continuously miss you more and more each day like a part of my heart is missing.

I love you, mon petit chou and I’m sorry.

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