The History of the Third J – Part 1: The Beginning

I have learned that no matter how cautious I am, sometimes, I don’t always end up following my brain. I let my heart lead me. Most of the times it crush me to the point where I know I’ll never open up to anybody again but as time passes by, I catch myself slowly falling in love again. And the cycle goes on.

People say I’m smart. And I like to believe that I am. I can pretty much answer if a random geometric question is thrown at me, or anything about literature. I’m nerd like that. But when it comes to love, I am the biggest fool and hopeless romantic you’ll ever see. I do everything I can and stay in love. But I guess not every connections work out in the end. I have seen people fall out of love in movies. I have read couples drifting apart in novels. I knew people who separated out of the blue. But I haven’t guessed that the same tragic story would eventually happen to me.

You happened a month ago. A month before I bid goodbye to my 23rd year on Earth. And here I am, exactly a month after you disappeared- wondering, thinking and wandering.

You were one of those people who gets me. The one who understands my silence, even my sighs. I hesitated to let you in my life at the first few conversations but something clicked and I thought to myself, ‘why not give it a shot?’ and next thing I know, your name is on my phone every two seconds convincing me that I look like Cara Delevingne just because I, too, have the same thick eyebrows. And that made me laugh, to be honest. Not because you think I look like a supermodel-turned-movie-star, but because you saw the little details in me. And I am glad.

I’ve been playing songs repeatedly for the past weeks. Not just ordinary songs. Well, songs about us. Or, I suppose they are. You see, there’s a danger in associating certain distinct songs to certain distinct people. It’s as if all the lyrics are played in sync to what I’m currently going through. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of local music. I listen to a couple of famous bands, yes, but it’s rare for me to find a good beat from underground music locally. I love music. I listen to a lot of songs from all around. I listen mostly to bands and movie soundtracks and indie songs. But in general, I love it. Which why I fell in love with you in the first place. You play drums which happens to be the instrument that tugs my heart in all places. It’s a powerful thing to know how to play it and at the same time, I think it’s the sweetest thing to know. To know a beat. And man, heartbeats are my thing. Thanks to you, I have been going to a couple of shows around the Metro lately and I admit, we have a lot of cool bands here. I’m out of my little cocoon enjoying all the new music in my ears. I should maybe make a new playlist about it. But I think you would know all the songs since you are a bigger fan of those bands and acts than me. Maybe someday. Maybe.

So that’s where it all started- in the same love for music and drums and the same fascination how wonderfully captivating the outer space is.

I feel

Like a flower – picked even before it bloomed
Like a sad summer song, a contradicting noise
Like a love letter never sent
Like a rainy morning on your 24th birthday

Like a planet without its moon
Like Saturn without its rings

Like a lighter without a spark
Like missing a train en route to work

Like an unfinished masterpiece
Like waking up seconds before the alarm rings
Like an army of terrified soldiers
Like reading the last chapter of a good book

Like a silent letter in a word,
always present but never whispered
Like a lost satellite on a vast galaxy
Like a forgotten beautiful shirt at the back of the closet

Like an unopened email
Like a dying protagonist at the beginning of a movie
Like being caught up in a traffic jam
Like wanting to quit a job you’ve been in for years

Like fireworks on a rainy night
Like wrecked lungs filled with butterflies
Like a dot at the end of a sentence
Like a poem with a messy theme

Like writing about what I feel when I don’t feel a thing.

Day 2 of Learning

Babe, I still think about you. About us. About our little love story. Or perhaps, our own story about love.

I read somewhere that when you truly love someone, you would not care about the heartbreak. I guess this is true since I have felt great and immense amount of love for you that even if you have broken my heart, its pieces would still long for you. Say it’s pathetic but isn’t that what we are all going for? To be madly in love and forget the whole world and the shenanigans that comes with it. Because from what I know, love is rarely mutual. So when you find it, grab it. Never let it go. Because when you are happy, why should you care about the past heartaches and the endless possibilities of the future? This is love, kid. And if that’s true love, you don’t throw it away.

You pursue. You thrive. You work hard for it. Life is never easy. So when you find that inspiration, embrace it. Because the universe is unpredictable. And I think I’m fortunate enough to have you in this weird world.

Too bad we’re stuck in being in love. And love, babe, is not that simple. When you love, you commit. We both have to adjust, sacrifice and put effort. Maybe you are not ready today, but I cannot inspire you to love me without knowing what’s the future of us. And in this case, if we really have a future.

 

a love letter from outer space

In another universe, it could have been the best love story in the history of love stories. Where you love me and I love you back and everybody else are rooting for us while things are perfectly aligned just like we’re supposed to be the pair we’re destined to be.

Maybe in another universe, we are not separated by a hundred miles. Where we could meet anytime we want, especially when I need a good laugh and when you need someone to lean on when the world is such a hassle and we both need someone to listen to our weird stories. Where maybe we can find the right balance of attachment and aloneness. Just the right amount to let us know we’ll still run back to each other’s arms.

Maybe in another universe, I wasn’t all this messed up. Maybe I could love you without any hesitations and fear that you wouldn’t love me back. Where I give you the sweetest smile each time I see you and especially when you need it. Where I understand that everything you do makes you happy. Where I could send you text messages and not worry why you wouldn’t reply back instantly. Where I don’t doubt us and overthink about non-existent things and get lost in my wrong thoughts.

Maybe there is a universe out there that is happening right now, where we are face to face falling in love.

But I thank the heavens still, because darling, I know you in this universe. That in this planet with billions of people and billions of heartbeats, yours is in sync with mine. That in every waking day for the last month, I see you. Not because you’re with me at the moment but because everything reminds me of you. It’s comforting that I have you in our little universe where we are both honest about what we feel. Where we do not sugarcoat our words like silly kids to give false hopes and expectations. In fact, we accept every fault we have and all the disappointments that comes with it.

I’m happy that you and I both exist in a universe where you love me and I love you back.

And if the theory of multiverse truly exists, that not only one universe is happening at the very moment, which our universe is not the only one, but many universes exist parallel to each other, that there are several other universe and planets and lives and hearts colliding, I wouldn’t want anybody else. My love, you make my heart beat when you laugh. I’m in love with you. You. I wouldn’t want anybody else to give me another heartbreak in any universes but you.

Here’s someone for you, someone for Universe.

for him

I’d have you
at five in the afternoon,
When you needed someone to talk to,
a friend who will listen when you want to run away from them all.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
When the world is still spinning and time still running
Yet you wanted to walk through that street
While all the cars drove past us
and I learned new things about you.

I’d have you
an hour later,
When you’re sipping that coffee in your hand and holding your still-beating heart on the other,
As the night creeps in,
our conversations got deeper,
my heart more and more unafraid.

I’d have you
at midnight,
When we part ways and said our goodbyes,
I whispered “take care” and meant it.
Hugged you for a second then let you go.
And as I watched you turn to that street corner,
I smiled to the sky and prayed a little prayer
That maybe someday you’ll feel the same way as I do.

I’d have you
first thing in the morning,
When your name pops in my notification
and an automatic smile appeared in my face
Not only you’re in my dreams
but you’re in my world too.

I’d have you
at ten in the morning,
While I thought I know a lot of things,
you’re there giving me new ideas
And my brain is a sponge absorbing it all.

I’d have you
at noon,
When it’s raining and we’re watching the movies you like
It’s like you’re opening yourself to me.
And I’d like to take a look into your world and maybe stay there.

I’d have you
at seven in the evening,
When you’re sitting next to me singing
and I realized how lovely you are
and how you’re unafraid of who you are
and how I know I wouldn’t want anybody else.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
With that one last hug before the night ends,
And I told you to keep moving forward
And you smiled and told me you already did.
As I make my way home I know I’ll never have the courage
to tell you to move towards me.

I’d have you
yesterday, today and tomorrow.
When we’re both ready to open our hearts
For you to accept that she does not want you anymore
And I,
to accept that you’ll never have me the same way I have you.