I feel

Like a flower – picked even before it bloomed
Like a sad summer song, a contradicting noise
Like a love letter never sent
Like a rainy morning on your 24th birthday

Like a planet without its moon
Like Saturn without its rings

Like a lighter without a spark
Like missing a train en route to work

Like an unfinished masterpiece
Like waking up seconds before the alarm rings
Like an army of terrified soldiers
Like reading the last chapter of a good book

Like a silent letter in a word,
always present but never whispered
Like a lost satellite on a vast galaxy
Like a forgotten beautiful shirt at the back of the closet

Like an unopened email
Like a dying protagonist at the beginning of a movie
Like being caught up in a traffic jam
Like wanting to quit a job you’ve been in for years

Like fireworks on a rainy night
Like wrecked lungs filled with butterflies
Like a dot at the end of a sentence
Like a poem with a messy theme

Like writing about what I feel when I don’t feel a thing.

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Of all the heartaches I have been before,

This might be the worst.

And I’m not even talking about a boy. It’s true what they say- when things get rough with a friend, it’s so much worse. I hate arguing with people. Especially my friends. I have been happy for almost three weeks straight. And this weekend, I lost my streak. Remind me again how could somebody can turn my world upside down? I’m so weak. And I’m not proud of it. But then again, I guess I should not blame other people for what I feel. I’m my own biggest enemy after all. And I cannot ignore the fact that the usual me is a depressed, egotistical, sarcastic, ugly bitch. Who am I kidding when I told myself that very Monday morning that I’m happy? That day, people could tell I have changed. For the better, at least. All of a sudden, I’m like the cool kid. The jock. The laugh. They would know they could count on me to make them smile in one way or another. It felt good, actually. To fake happiness until it turns to reality. It was surprisingly easy how I could rewire my processed thoughts in my brain and turn it into happy clouds. So not me.
And then, all of a sudden.. I snap. I should have seen this coming. I should have known I am not Ms. Sunshine all through out. It took me just under a minute to realize that today. I’m faking it. Now I’m faking myself.

Midnight Blabbers

Turning 22, I thought I would be more confident, more responsible or even more wise. But ten days after my birthday, nothing has changed. I’d like to think I’d mature sooner but who am I kidding, right?

I wished I’d written more last year and the years before that I when I turn older, I’d look back on this blog and smile and cry. Sigh.

Subverting My Supposed Paradigms

Being labeled as moody, sensitive, dependent and weird, I have been struggling to change myself to be better. Or maybe to be more accepted, because people always say otherwise. And it really bother me that they see me that way. I blame myself for being me and sometimes, I despise myself. I don’t think I am accepted for what I feel and what I do because other people seem to misunderstand me.

And I found this little gem that left me teary eyed and I want to share it to you, reader:
Stop minimizing and discounting your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. Your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core, and in order to find peace, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you have been told and what you “should” and “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame  you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing and honor the truth inside you. Because despite what you may believe, you do not need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – you matter – and it is more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, feel otherwise.
As a friend told me (you know who you are), people don’t always understand. yes, it’s normal to change emotions, the only thing with us that unlike others, we do our switching of emotions inside our heads. It comes with thinking, over or not. One minute we’re happy then in our heads we think about these things and the next thing they know, we’re in a different emotion.

In our minds, we’re not moody at all. Because we know the flow of our thoughts an din turn, our flow of emotions. However, other people don’t know these thoughts that we had and so they don’t understand our shift. So they chalk it up with random emotions when in truth, it’s not random at all.

I think what frustrates them the most, especially those friends we have, is that they’re supposed to know us yet they don’t understand the shift of our moods. they might feel like being left out  and so they take the supposed flaws in us and treat it as our irrationalities.

I rarely believe in myself, because I think that I am such a failure but then again, there are few people who still stick with me no matter what I do and no matter who I am. And for that, life is better.

And thank you, reader. For always coming back to the stories I have to tell.

Emotional Vomit Part 6

I hated feeling like I’ve been left out. I don’t like begging for people’s attention and care. I never liked asking for somebody’s time especially when I know they would not care.

Why do I always feel like I’m the odd one out? Day after day, I try my best to flash my smile but tonight, I guess it would not work. I just wish this is one of those nights that In would somehow by some miracle- wake up feeling so positive. It all crumbled down today. All my heartaches for the past weeks, my draining spirit is aching. Plus, I don’t think people at work knows how much I am work. I put myself on the goddamn line each time. I work my ass off in everything I do but I don’t get appreciated. What the fuck is happening?

I really want to scream.