The History of the Third J – Part 1: The Beginning

I have learned that no matter how cautious I am, sometimes, I don’t always end up following my brain. I let my heart lead me. Most of the times it crush me to the point where I know I’ll never open up to anybody again but as time passes by, I catch myself slowly falling in love again. And the cycle goes on.

People say I’m smart. And I like to believe that I am. I can pretty much answer if a random geometric question is thrown at me, or anything about literature. I’m nerd like that. But when it comes to love, I am the biggest fool and hopeless romantic you’ll ever see. I do everything I can and stay in love. But I guess not every connections work out in the end. I have seen people fall out of love in movies. I have read couples drifting apart in novels. I knew people who separated out of the blue. But I haven’t guessed that the same tragic story would eventually happen to me.

You happened a month ago. A month before I bid goodbye to my 23rd year on Earth. And here I am, exactly a month after you disappeared- wondering, thinking and wandering.

You were one of those people who gets me. The one who understands my silence, even my sighs. I hesitated to let you in my life at the first few conversations but something clicked and I thought to myself, ‘why not give it a shot?’ and next thing I know, your name is on my phone every two seconds convincing me that I look like Cara Delevingne just because I, too, have the same thick eyebrows. And that made me laugh, to be honest. Not because you think I look like a supermodel-turned-movie-star, but because you saw the little details in me. And I am glad.

I’ve been playing songs repeatedly for the past weeks. Not just ordinary songs. Well, songs about us. Or, I suppose they are. You see, there’s a danger in associating certain distinct songs to certain distinct people. It’s as if all the lyrics are played in sync to what I’m currently going through. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of local music. I listen to a couple of famous bands, yes, but it’s rare for me to find a good beat from underground music locally. I love music. I listen to a lot of songs from all around. I listen mostly to bands and movie soundtracks and indie songs. But in general, I love it. Which why I fell in love with you in the first place. You play drums which happens to be the instrument that tugs my heart in all places. It’s a powerful thing to know how to play it and at the same time, I think it’s the sweetest thing to know. To know a beat. And man, heartbeats are my thing. Thanks to you, I have been going to a couple of shows around the Metro lately and I admit, we have a lot of cool bands here. I’m out of my little cocoon enjoying all the new music in my ears. I should maybe make a new playlist about it. But I think you would know all the songs since you are a bigger fan of those bands and acts than me. Maybe someday. Maybe.

So that’s where it all started- in the same love for music and drums and the same fascination how wonderfully captivating the outer space is.

Day 2 of Learning

Babe, I still think about you. About us. About our little love story. Or perhaps, our own story about love.

I read somewhere that when you truly love someone, you would not care about the heartbreak. I guess this is true since I have felt great and immense amount of love for you that even if you have broken my heart, its pieces would still long for you. Say it’s pathetic but isn’t that what we are all going for? To be madly in love and forget the whole world and the shenanigans that comes with it. Because from what I know, love is rarely mutual. So when you find it, grab it. Never let it go. Because when you are happy, why should you care about the past heartaches and the endless possibilities of the future? This is love, kid. And if that’s true love, you don’t throw it away.

You pursue. You thrive. You work hard for it. Life is never easy. So when you find that inspiration, embrace it. Because the universe is unpredictable. And I think I’m fortunate enough to have you in this weird world.

Too bad we’re stuck in being in love. And love, babe, is not that simple. When you love, you commit. We both have to adjust, sacrifice and put effort. Maybe you are not ready today, but I cannot inspire you to love me without knowing what’s the future of us. And in this case, if we really have a future.

 

Subverting My Supposed Paradigms

Being labeled as moody, sensitive, dependent and weird, I have been struggling to change myself to be better. Or maybe to be more accepted, because people always say otherwise. And it really bother me that they see me that way. I blame myself for being me and sometimes, I despise myself. I don’t think I am accepted for what I feel and what I do because other people seem to misunderstand me.

And I found this little gem that left me teary eyed and I want to share it to you, reader:
Stop minimizing and discounting your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. Your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core, and in order to find peace, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you have been told and what you “should” and “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame  you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing and honor the truth inside you. Because despite what you may believe, you do not need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – you matter – and it is more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, feel otherwise.
As a friend told me (you know who you are), people don’t always understand. yes, it’s normal to change emotions, the only thing with us that unlike others, we do our switching of emotions inside our heads. It comes with thinking, over or not. One minute we’re happy then in our heads we think about these things and the next thing they know, we’re in a different emotion.

In our minds, we’re not moody at all. Because we know the flow of our thoughts an din turn, our flow of emotions. However, other people don’t know these thoughts that we had and so they don’t understand our shift. So they chalk it up with random emotions when in truth, it’s not random at all.

I think what frustrates them the most, especially those friends we have, is that they’re supposed to know us yet they don’t understand the shift of our moods. they might feel like being left out  and so they take the supposed flaws in us and treat it as our irrationalities.

I rarely believe in myself, because I think that I am such a failure but then again, there are few people who still stick with me no matter what I do and no matter who I am. And for that, life is better.

And thank you, reader. For always coming back to the stories I have to tell.

Emotional Vomit Part 6

I hated feeling like I’ve been left out. I don’t like begging for people’s attention and care. I never liked asking for somebody’s time especially when I know they would not care.

Why do I always feel like I’m the odd one out? Day after day, I try my best to flash my smile but tonight, I guess it would not work. I just wish this is one of those nights that In would somehow by some miracle- wake up feeling so positive. It all crumbled down today. All my heartaches for the past weeks, my draining spirit is aching. Plus, I don’t think people at work knows how much I am work. I put myself on the goddamn line each time. I work my ass off in everything I do but I don’t get appreciated. What the fuck is happening?

I really want to scream.

My Hopes For You

I hope you fall in love with someone who thinks your eyes are like the stars on the dead of the night
Brown like the shades of the leaves from Autumn, a vessel that holds the truth and future.
I hope you fall in love with someone who never let you frown
Maybe just sometimes, when he beats you at computer games
But let you eat his fries when you had some but still hungry.

I hope you fall in love with somebody who holds you at night after you cry over fictional characters who died in your favorite books
Someone who will stay up all night and bring you sweaters when you’re sick
Someone who will buy all the ice creams and popcorns during movies and let you have his arm rest on the seats.

I hope you fall in love with someone who treats your birthmarks like masterpiece
Whose laughs are triggered when you make a funny noise on a Saturday morning
Who is always aware when you are around
Somebody who lets you know you’re appreciated.

I hope you fall in love with somebody who supports you when you’re fighting for what is right
But stays with you against all odds even when you are wrong
Somebody who holds your hands and never let your bones feel the cold.

But most importantly, I want you to fall in love with someone who loves you to the moon and back
Because as of this moment, the future is conspiring in giving you what is the best and in the end, it will all make sense.

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