The History of the Third J – Part 1: The Beginning

I have learned that no matter how cautious I am, sometimes, I don’t always end up following my brain. I let my heart lead me. Most of the times it crush me to the point where I know I’ll never open up to anybody again but as time passes by, I catch myself slowly falling in love again. And the cycle goes on.

People say I’m smart. And I like to believe that I am. I can pretty much answer if a random geometric question is thrown at me, or anything about literature. I’m nerd like that. But when it comes to love, I am the biggest fool and hopeless romantic you’ll ever see. I do everything I can and stay in love. But I guess not every connections work out in the end. I have seen people fall out of love in movies. I have read couples drifting apart in novels. I knew people who separated out of the blue. But I haven’t guessed that the same tragic story would eventually happen to me.

You happened a month ago. A month before I bid goodbye to my 23rd year on Earth. And here I am, exactly a month after you disappeared- wondering, thinking and wandering.

You were one of those people who gets me. The one who understands my silence, even my sighs. I hesitated to let you in my life at the first few conversations but something clicked and I thought to myself, ‘why not give it a shot?’ and next thing I know, your name is on my phone every two seconds convincing me that I look like Cara Delevingne just because I, too, have the same thick eyebrows. And that made me laugh, to be honest. Not because you think I look like a supermodel-turned-movie-star, but because you saw the little details in me. And I am glad.

I’ve been playing songs repeatedly for the past weeks. Not just ordinary songs. Well, songs about us. Or, I suppose they are. You see, there’s a danger in associating certain distinct songs to certain distinct people. It’s as if all the lyrics are played in sync to what I’m currently going through. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of local music. I listen to a couple of famous bands, yes, but it’s rare for me to find a good beat from underground music locally. I love music. I listen to a lot of songs from all around. I listen mostly to bands and movie soundtracks and indie songs. But in general, I love it. Which why I fell in love with you in the first place. You play drums which happens to be the instrument that tugs my heart in all places. It’s a powerful thing to know how to play it and at the same time, I think it’s the sweetest thing to know. To know a beat. And man, heartbeats are my thing. Thanks to you, I have been going to a couple of shows around the Metro lately and I admit, we have a lot of cool bands here. I’m out of my little cocoon enjoying all the new music in my ears. I should maybe make a new playlist about it. But I think you would know all the songs since you are a bigger fan of those bands and acts than me. Maybe someday. Maybe.

So that’s where it all started- in the same love for music and drums and the same fascination how wonderfully captivating the outer space is.

An Open Letter to my Best Friend

I used to call you “mon petit chou”, my soul mate, and my best friend. I don’t believe in forever but somehow, you being with me made me believe that I could be anything I dreamed to be, and that is more than enough of what other people’s view of ‘forever’ is for me. We used to dream the same dreams and reach goals side by side. We promised that we’d grow and see the world in our own eyes together, but I guess not anymore.

I’m pretty sure we’re still close by this time last year and we’re probably texting about random things and laughing about inside jokes only we know about. Remember how we usually text each other and get an instant reply? But now everything seems different. Whenever I see your name on my phone’s notification, I get instant goose bumps that you somehow remembered me, or that you managed to return my texts. Either way, at least you’re talking to me. And for now, that’s more than enough. We always hear about people losing touch with their best friends but never in my wildest thoughts would I think that we would become like them- best friends who suddenly drifted apart for some reasons. I’m not sure how we ended up here but I admit it’s my fault. I failed to be beside you when you needed me the most. I let you go and that’s probably the biggest and dumbest mistake I’ve ever done in my life. You were once my biggest influence. You were the one person I run to first whenever I feel like the whole world is against me and nobody seems to understand.

Maybe there’ll be no words that will equate to how much I miss you right now. Somehow, I ended up misguided and lost. But to be honest, it feels like you never miss me the way that I miss you. You are a big part of who I am right now. So where do I go from here? Now, whenever I catch a glimpse of your tweet or your occasional post on Facebook, it somehow pains me now that your life is perfectly fine without me. It’s bittersweet in a way, but I have to accept that you got this smile now that I’m out of your life, now that I’m not a burden that goes your way. But you should know that I’ll miss the way we connect. I wondered how I was so blessed to have a friend that knows what’s going on inside my head and how you would know what to do when I’m a mess. And now I’m left with no information to what’s going on in your life no matter how much I want to know.

We had this conversation before- that we would never break up. But I guess not all promises are kept. We lost our connection and I’m like a satellite freely roaming the expanding universe with no one to hold on to.

It would be a lie if I told you that I wouldn’t want you back because in fact, I would trade anything to have you again and again. But I guess you are fed up with all my mistakes and this time, you won’t look back to where I am and what we had. Sometimes I sit alone in traffic getting lost in my thoughts and I think about getting in touch with you again just to remember how close we used to be.

Would you be happy to see me again? Do you long for my stories too? I guess most of my favorite moments happened when you’re by my side. Looking back, I never thought we’d end up like this. I never thought that in a year or so, we won’t talk for months and time would fly by without us knowing what’s going on. And when we finally do, it ends up with us hating each other more. Was it years ago that we went to our favorite band concerts and climbed a mountain and swam on cold beaches and fell in love with the sound of thunder each time we go home late and it’s raining? Now it’s a distant memory like I’m looking at old photographs attempting to remember what we used to have. And yes, I made a few friends here and there but I’ve never felt close to any of them as I used to feel with you. I guess that’s why you were my best friend.

And now I’m not even sure if I could casually call you my friend. It’s clear that you don’t want me to be your best friend. You may even think that you regret sharing your life with me but know that I am thankful. I’m filled with so much gratefulness in my heart that I got to know somebody like you. Everything we had is irreplaceable to me. I used to laugh whenever people look for you if you’re not beside me. We’re partners like that.

I wish you well wherever you are. Life, as it turned out, is pretty amazing. And I know great things are coming for you because whenever I see you, I see somebody who could rule the world by storm and I’m not sure you even know it. And if you’re feeling lost or scared or lonely, or even if you’re beginning to doubt your decisions, know that you can always do it. Things will be crazy and overwhelming and hard but know in your heart that you are destined for something much bigger than your worries. You are strong enough to go through difficult parts in your life to be able to experience the astonishing ones. You are one of the most beautiful and authentic people I know. You exist in a universe where you matter, no matter how insignificant you might think you are. And while it breaks my heart to know that I’ll never see you shine like an astronomical blessing you are destined to be, I know that things will be amazing for you.

I envy people who would see your happiness from time to time. I just wish they’ll treat you better than I did. There’s no one like you. And even if it’s not my place to call you my best friend anymore, I will continuously miss you more and more each day like a part of my heart is missing.

I love you, mon petit chou and I’m sorry.

November 2

Maybe there will be nothing more between us. You see me just as a friend, and I- I see you as a galaxy and perhaps, the Milky Way. 

You have the most intriguing brown eyes and I melt each time you look at me. Do you ever hear my heartbeat every time our skins touch? I swear it’s a riot inside me. It drums so loud I could orchestrate a band whenever you’re with me. 

I haven’t been sleeping much lately. My mind is occupied with the idea of you. Some people tell me I should get over the idea of us, but how can I possibly forget someone like you? I could listen to your laugh the whole day and miss you even when you’re around. This love I’m feeling is tricky, it will leave me devastated. 

I will never tell you that I like it when you smile. You lighten up the room and that is a special talent. I will never tell you that I like you. Because I’m afraid of rejections and the possibility that you will just smile at me and that smile will forever be in my mind as a negative picture. 

I’m afraid of heartbreaks. Each time that I think somebody will crush my being, I run. But this moment, I am staying. It’s crazy, I know. You will never look at me like you look at those pretty skies on your way home. You will never talk to me like those people you adore. You will never care for me like you cared for her. 

It’s a sad, sad world. 

My September Reads

Hello, reader!

I miss writing. But for the month of September, I casually challenged myself to read more. And by more, I mean a lot. I let myself be engulfed in this sea of words and let it consume me like fire. I read nonstop. By the time I wake up each day and night, I mumble a quick prayer and I put my nose on my books or phone. I read soft copies of books too, sorry. But I guess it’s still considered reading, only not with a tangible, scent-filled actual book. But either way, I satisfy myself with what I read. And I find it so amusing that I believe more people should fall in love with reading. It’s so wonderful how a few words string to sentences and into paragraphs. And a single word can make our imaginations roar.

So far, here is my September reads:

Wonder
Another Day
Six Earlier Days
Fangirl
Anna and the French Kiss
Lola and the Boy Next Door
Isla and the Happily Ever After
One More Thing and other stories
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
P.S. I Still Love You
Every You, Every Me (to finish)
The Kite Runner (to finish)
The Book Thief (to finish)

Invisibility (currently reading)

I am in love and in awe with the stories they share. I want to thank all the universe and God for everything! Somehow, I find myself attached to each characters in every book. From August to A & Rhinannon, to Levi (major crush!) & Cath and her world of fiction to  Anna and St. Clair (I won’t call him Etienne, as Anna might get jealous!) to Lola and oh so lovely Cricket, to Isla and Josh (I’m so honored to read your story), to the crazy stories of the crazy world we live in, to Lara Jean Song Covey and Peter Kavinsky (I’m giggling as I type your name).

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could be a better writer so I can create a new world like they have in my brain right now. So long! I have a few books to finish this month but hey, I got a week left.

Till the next update on my October Reads!