a love letter from outer space

In another universe, it could have been the best love story in the history of love stories. Where you love me and I love you back and everybody else are rooting for us while things are perfectly aligned just like we’re supposed to be the pair we’re destined to be.

Maybe in another universe, we are not separated by a hundred miles. Where we could meet anytime we want, especially when I need a good laugh and when you need someone to lean on when the world is such a hassle and we both need someone to listen to our weird stories. Where maybe we can find the right balance of attachment and aloneness. Just the right amount to let us know we’ll still run back to each other’s arms.

Maybe in another universe, I wasn’t all this messed up. Maybe I could love you without any hesitations and fear that you wouldn’t love me back. Where I give you the sweetest smile each time I see you and especially when you need it. Where I understand that everything you do makes you happy. Where I could send you text messages and not worry why you wouldn’t reply back instantly. Where I don’t doubt us and overthink about non-existent things and get lost in my wrong thoughts.

Maybe there is a universe out there that is happening right now, where we are face to face falling in love.

But I thank the heavens still, because darling, I know you in this universe. That in this planet with billions of people and billions of heartbeats, yours is in sync with mine. That in every waking day for the last month, I see you. Not because you’re with me at the moment but because everything reminds me of you. It’s comforting that I have you in our little universe where we are both honest about what we feel. Where we do not sugarcoat our words like silly kids to give false hopes and expectations. In fact, we accept every fault we have and all the disappointments that comes with it.

I’m happy that you and I both exist in a universe where you love me and I love you back.

And if the theory of multiverse truly exists, that not only one universe is happening at the very moment, which our universe is not the only one, but many universes exist parallel to each other, that there are several other universe and planets and lives and hearts colliding, I wouldn’t want anybody else. My love, you make my heart beat when you laugh. I’m in love with you. You. I wouldn’t want anybody else to give me another heartbreak in any universes but you.

Here’s someone for you, someone for Universe.

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for him

I’d have you
at five in the afternoon,
When you needed someone to talk to,
a friend who will listen when you want to run away from them all.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
When the world is still spinning and time still running
Yet you wanted to walk through that street
While all the cars drove past us
and I learned new things about you.

I’d have you
an hour later,
When you’re sipping that coffee in your hand and holding your still-beating heart on the other,
As the night creeps in,
our conversations got deeper,
my heart more and more unafraid.

I’d have you
at midnight,
When we part ways and said our goodbyes,
I whispered “take care” and meant it.
Hugged you for a second then let you go.
And as I watched you turn to that street corner,
I smiled to the sky and prayed a little prayer
That maybe someday you’ll feel the same way as I do.

I’d have you
first thing in the morning,
When your name pops in my notification
and an automatic smile appeared in my face
Not only you’re in my dreams
but you’re in my world too.

I’d have you
at ten in the morning,
While I thought I know a lot of things,
you’re there giving me new ideas
And my brain is a sponge absorbing it all.

I’d have you
at noon,
When it’s raining and we’re watching the movies you like
It’s like you’re opening yourself to me.
And I’d like to take a look into your world and maybe stay there.

I’d have you
at seven in the evening,
When you’re sitting next to me singing
and I realized how lovely you are
and how you’re unafraid of who you are
and how I know I wouldn’t want anybody else.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
With that one last hug before the night ends,
And I told you to keep moving forward
And you smiled and told me you already did.
As I make my way home I know I’ll never have the courage
to tell you to move towards me.

I’d have you
yesterday, today and tomorrow.
When we’re both ready to open our hearts
For you to accept that she does not want you anymore
And I,
to accept that you’ll never have me the same way I have you.

11 Ways to Fall in Love with Yourself (Again)

1. Learn that even when bad experiences shut your heart in a cold cage; it does not mean that it will never open again. You are made to love and you are placed exactly where you are to give love.
 

2. Watch your life as you watch your favorite movie and turn its pages like you turn pages of your favorite book, with eagerness to know what’s next.

 

3. Write handwritten love notes to the parts of your body that you hate. Know that you’re still blooming and growing, and that’s okay. As Osho said, “Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it and to realize it”.

 

4. Find comfort in holding your own hand. Date yourself and get to know yourself deeply this time. Stop depending on other people for you to be happy.

 

5. Do something that scares you every day, no matter how small. Challenge yourself to be better and watch your life change before your eyes.

 

6. Stop wishing for a perfect life. Stop waiting for a perfect weekend vacation. Today, make your life something that you don’t want to escape from.

 

7. Life does not come with a manual instruction. Break conventions. Be weird and color outside the lines. Do not limit yourself to what is known. Be a little different from everybody.

 

8. Look at the veins in your wrists. They are roots and your limbs are the branches. Your body is a strong tree; please do not cut it down.

 

9. Flip through old photos and reminisce the about past but don’t live there. Let it go because nothing new happens there. You had a bad start? Then end it good.

 

10. Be the person you want to fall in love with.

 

11. Let God fill your heart with overflowing love and accept the fact that you are imperfect but with Him, you are the most precious gem in the universe. The world may be a crazy place but it won’t ever be the same without you.

 

An Open Letter to my Best Friend

I used to call you “mon petit chou”, my soul mate, and my best friend. I don’t believe in forever but somehow, you being with me made me believe that I could be anything I dreamed to be, and that is more than enough of what other people’s view of ‘forever’ is for me. We used to dream the same dreams and reach goals side by side. We promised that we’d grow and see the world in our own eyes together, but I guess not anymore.

I’m pretty sure we’re still close by this time last year and we’re probably texting about random things and laughing about inside jokes only we know about. Remember how we usually text each other and get an instant reply? But now everything seems different. Whenever I see your name on my phone’s notification, I get instant goose bumps that you somehow remembered me, or that you managed to return my texts. Either way, at least you’re talking to me. And for now, that’s more than enough. We always hear about people losing touch with their best friends but never in my wildest thoughts would I think that we would become like them- best friends who suddenly drifted apart for some reasons. I’m not sure how we ended up here but I admit it’s my fault. I failed to be beside you when you needed me the most. I let you go and that’s probably the biggest and dumbest mistake I’ve ever done in my life. You were once my biggest influence. You were the one person I run to first whenever I feel like the whole world is against me and nobody seems to understand.

Maybe there’ll be no words that will equate to how much I miss you right now. Somehow, I ended up misguided and lost. But to be honest, it feels like you never miss me the way that I miss you. You are a big part of who I am right now. So where do I go from here? Now, whenever I catch a glimpse of your tweet or your occasional post on Facebook, it somehow pains me now that your life is perfectly fine without me. It’s bittersweet in a way, but I have to accept that you got this smile now that I’m out of your life, now that I’m not a burden that goes your way. But you should know that I’ll miss the way we connect. I wondered how I was so blessed to have a friend that knows what’s going on inside my head and how you would know what to do when I’m a mess. And now I’m left with no information to what’s going on in your life no matter how much I want to know.

We had this conversation before- that we would never break up. But I guess not all promises are kept. We lost our connection and I’m like a satellite freely roaming the expanding universe with no one to hold on to.

It would be a lie if I told you that I wouldn’t want you back because in fact, I would trade anything to have you again and again. But I guess you are fed up with all my mistakes and this time, you won’t look back to where I am and what we had. Sometimes I sit alone in traffic getting lost in my thoughts and I think about getting in touch with you again just to remember how close we used to be.

Would you be happy to see me again? Do you long for my stories too? I guess most of my favorite moments happened when you’re by my side. Looking back, I never thought we’d end up like this. I never thought that in a year or so, we won’t talk for months and time would fly by without us knowing what’s going on. And when we finally do, it ends up with us hating each other more. Was it years ago that we went to our favorite band concerts and climbed a mountain and swam on cold beaches and fell in love with the sound of thunder each time we go home late and it’s raining? Now it’s a distant memory like I’m looking at old photographs attempting to remember what we used to have. And yes, I made a few friends here and there but I’ve never felt close to any of them as I used to feel with you. I guess that’s why you were my best friend.

And now I’m not even sure if I could casually call you my friend. It’s clear that you don’t want me to be your best friend. You may even think that you regret sharing your life with me but know that I am thankful. I’m filled with so much gratefulness in my heart that I got to know somebody like you. Everything we had is irreplaceable to me. I used to laugh whenever people look for you if you’re not beside me. We’re partners like that.

I wish you well wherever you are. Life, as it turned out, is pretty amazing. And I know great things are coming for you because whenever I see you, I see somebody who could rule the world by storm and I’m not sure you even know it. And if you’re feeling lost or scared or lonely, or even if you’re beginning to doubt your decisions, know that you can always do it. Things will be crazy and overwhelming and hard but know in your heart that you are destined for something much bigger than your worries. You are strong enough to go through difficult parts in your life to be able to experience the astonishing ones. You are one of the most beautiful and authentic people I know. You exist in a universe where you matter, no matter how insignificant you might think you are. And while it breaks my heart to know that I’ll never see you shine like an astronomical blessing you are destined to be, I know that things will be amazing for you.

I envy people who would see your happiness from time to time. I just wish they’ll treat you better than I did. There’s no one like you. And even if it’s not my place to call you my best friend anymore, I will continuously miss you more and more each day like a part of my heart is missing.

I love you, mon petit chou and I’m sorry.

Goodbye. 

Cheers to you, 2017. 

Here’s to all the heartaches, disappointments and failures I’ve been through this year. At last, goodbye. 

I’m letting go of it all because I am finally accepting that I’m not perfect and I can’t have it all. As much as I want to believe that life is a fairytale, it isn’t. It has all the bumps and turns and holes on the road. Lately, I have been dealing with overflowing thoughts about a lot of things. But here are some of my realizations this year: 

Let life surprise you. This year, I challenged the universe by doing this that I don’t normally do. I resigned from my previous work after being there for three years! And what I have right now is so much better. I miss my friends, tho. But we are all keeping in touch. 

The people you think won’t ever leave you won’t be there forever. Enough said. 

Follow your passion. Being a part of Media Team as a writer for a Catholic gathering is such a blessing. 

Surround yourself with friends who brings out the best in you. 

Take care of your heart. Do not expect, it is a way of dying.  

So long, 2016!!!