The History of the Third J – Part 1: The Beginning

I have learned that no matter how cautious I am, sometimes, I don’t always end up following my brain. I let my heart lead me. Most of the times it crush me to the point where I know I’ll never open up to anybody again but as time passes by, I catch myself slowly falling in love again. And the cycle goes on.

People say I’m smart. And I like to believe that I am. I can pretty much answer if a random geometric question is thrown at me, or anything about literature. I’m nerd like that. But when it comes to love, I am the biggest fool and hopeless romantic you’ll ever see. I do everything I can and stay in love. But I guess not every connections work out in the end. I have seen people fall out of love in movies. I have read couples drifting apart in novels. I knew people who separated out of the blue. But I haven’t guessed that the same tragic story would eventually happen to me.

You happened a month ago. A month before I bid goodbye to my 23rd year on Earth. And here I am, exactly a month after you disappeared- wondering, thinking and wandering.

You were one of those people who gets me. The one who understands my silence, even my sighs. I hesitated to let you in my life at the first few conversations but something clicked and I thought to myself, ‘why not give it a shot?’ and next thing I know, your name is on my phone every two seconds convincing me that I look like Cara Delevingne just because I, too, have the same thick eyebrows. And that made me laugh, to be honest. Not because you think I look like a supermodel-turned-movie-star, but because you saw the little details in me. And I am glad.

I’ve been playing songs repeatedly for the past weeks. Not just ordinary songs. Well, songs about us. Or, I suppose they are. You see, there’s a danger in associating certain distinct songs to certain distinct people. It’s as if all the lyrics are played in sync to what I’m currently going through. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of local music. I listen to a couple of famous bands, yes, but it’s rare for me to find a good beat from underground music locally. I love music. I listen to a lot of songs from all around. I listen mostly to bands and movie soundtracks and indie songs. But in general, I love it. Which why I fell in love with you in the first place. You play drums which happens to be the instrument that tugs my heart in all places. It’s a powerful thing to know how to play it and at the same time, I think it’s the sweetest thing to know. To know a beat. And man, heartbeats are my thing. Thanks to you, I have been going to a couple of shows around the Metro lately and I admit, we have a lot of cool bands here. I’m out of my little cocoon enjoying all the new music in my ears. I should maybe make a new playlist about it. But I think you would know all the songs since you are a bigger fan of those bands and acts than me. Maybe someday. Maybe.

So that’s where it all started- in the same love for music and drums and the same fascination how wonderfully captivating the outer space is.

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Day 2 of Learning

Babe, I still think about you. About us. About our little love story. Or perhaps, our own story about love.

I read somewhere that when you truly love someone, you would not care about the heartbreak. I guess this is true since I have felt great and immense amount of love for you that even if you have broken my heart, its pieces would still long for you. Say it’s pathetic but isn’t that what we are all going for? To be madly in love and forget the whole world and the shenanigans that comes with it. Because from what I know, love is rarely mutual. So when you find it, grab it. Never let it go. Because when you are happy, why should you care about the past heartaches and the endless possibilities of the future? This is love, kid. And if that’s true love, you don’t throw it away.

You pursue. You thrive. You work hard for it. Life is never easy. So when you find that inspiration, embrace it. Because the universe is unpredictable. And I think I’m fortunate enough to have you in this weird world.

Too bad we’re stuck in being in love. And love, babe, is not that simple. When you love, you commit. We both have to adjust, sacrifice and put effort. Maybe you are not ready today, but I cannot inspire you to love me without knowing what’s the future of us. And in this case, if we really have a future.

 

a love letter from outer space

In another universe, it could have been the best love story in the history of love stories. Where you love me and I love you back and everybody else are rooting for us while things are perfectly aligned just like we’re supposed to be the pair we’re destined to be.

Maybe in another universe, we are not separated by a hundred miles. Where we could meet anytime we want, especially when I need a good laugh and when you need someone to lean on when the world is such a hassle and we both need someone to listen to our weird stories. Where maybe we can find the right balance of attachment and aloneness. Just the right amount to let us know we’ll still run back to each other’s arms.

Maybe in another universe, I wasn’t all this messed up. Maybe I could love you without any hesitations and fear that you wouldn’t love me back. Where I give you the sweetest smile each time I see you and especially when you need it. Where I understand that everything you do makes you happy. Where I could send you text messages and not worry why you wouldn’t reply back instantly. Where I don’t doubt us and overthink about non-existent things and get lost in my wrong thoughts.

Maybe there is a universe out there that is happening right now, where we are face to face falling in love.

But I thank the heavens still, because darling, I know you in this universe. That in this planet with billions of people and billions of heartbeats, yours is in sync with mine. That in every waking day for the last month, I see you. Not because you’re with me at the moment but because everything reminds me of you. It’s comforting that I have you in our little universe where we are both honest about what we feel. Where we do not sugarcoat our words like silly kids to give false hopes and expectations. In fact, we accept every fault we have and all the disappointments that comes with it.

I’m happy that you and I both exist in a universe where you love me and I love you back.

And if the theory of multiverse truly exists, that not only one universe is happening at the very moment, which our universe is not the only one, but many universes exist parallel to each other, that there are several other universe and planets and lives and hearts colliding, I wouldn’t want anybody else. My love, you make my heart beat when you laugh. I’m in love with you. You. I wouldn’t want anybody else to give me another heartbreak in any universes but you.

Here’s someone for you, someone for Universe.

for him

I’d have you
at five in the afternoon,
When you needed someone to talk to,
a friend who will listen when you want to run away from them all.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
When the world is still spinning and time still running
Yet you wanted to walk through that street
While all the cars drove past us
and I learned new things about you.

I’d have you
an hour later,
When you’re sipping that coffee in your hand and holding your still-beating heart on the other,
As the night creeps in,
our conversations got deeper,
my heart more and more unafraid.

I’d have you
at midnight,
When we part ways and said our goodbyes,
I whispered “take care” and meant it.
Hugged you for a second then let you go.
And as I watched you turn to that street corner,
I smiled to the sky and prayed a little prayer
That maybe someday you’ll feel the same way as I do.

I’d have you
first thing in the morning,
When your name pops in my notification
and an automatic smile appeared in my face
Not only you’re in my dreams
but you’re in my world too.

I’d have you
at ten in the morning,
While I thought I know a lot of things,
you’re there giving me new ideas
And my brain is a sponge absorbing it all.

I’d have you
at noon,
When it’s raining and we’re watching the movies you like
It’s like you’re opening yourself to me.
And I’d like to take a look into your world and maybe stay there.

I’d have you
at seven in the evening,
When you’re sitting next to me singing
and I realized how lovely you are
and how you’re unafraid of who you are
and how I know I wouldn’t want anybody else.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
With that one last hug before the night ends,
And I told you to keep moving forward
And you smiled and told me you already did.
As I make my way home I know I’ll never have the courage
to tell you to move towards me.

I’d have you
yesterday, today and tomorrow.
When we’re both ready to open our hearts
For you to accept that she does not want you anymore
And I,
to accept that you’ll never have me the same way I have you.

The Seven Guys You’ll Fall in Love With

Monday.

Monday is the kind of guy whose best suit attracts you the most. He’ll make you think about him nonstop and sometimes, it’s not always a good feeling. But somehow, you’ll always end up bumping into him on a street corner whether you like it or not. He’ll push you to your limits and point your flaws so both of you could fit like a puzzle together. He’ll hit you like a shitload of bricks and you will realize he has a lot going on in his life and he’s ultimately concerned with fixing what’s broken rather than celebrating what’s already a piece of art.

Tuesday.

You probably won’t remember his name after the heartbreak he caused you. Tuesday is your childhood sweetheart, the one who made you believe in fairy tales and happy endings. The put silly smile on your face after he drop you off to your house at ten in the evening after a cozy dinner at a local restaurant. But like most heartbreaks, you might wish to forget him and his stupid face and his stupid voice and his stupidity. Your poor heart can only take so much. And the more you tell yourself to get over him; he’s like a tattooed arrow in your heart you can’t get rid of. You remember his name – you just choose not to remember him.

Wednesday.

After the tragic incident with Tuesday, you dust off his fingerprint on your skin with the help of Wednesday. Not only he’s the perfect back up plan, but he also makes you feel all the butterflies inside your tummy. He understands you like the palm of his hands and you wonder why you fall in love with him as hard as this. He writes you poems about love and sings to you all the melodies you adore. It was almost perfect. But one day, it all fades away. In just a snap, all the romance is gone; all the butterflies are out of the cage and few where you cannot follow. He fell in love with someone else.

Thursday.

Just when you’re about to give up and close your heart, Thursday saves you. He’s the kind of somebody who you feel is your soulmate. Once in a while we stumble on people like Thursday – you both like the same music and the same cartoons. You both hate raisins and pineapples on pizza. Thursday is your best friend.  You could talk nonsense for hours and even stay in line after all the stories about each other’s day were told listening to each other’s breathing through the phone. But this is the hardest part of it all. He is your best friend and once you make a move you’ll either get it all or lose everything and you cannot risk that. In the end, you step back and tell yourself that maybe you’re better off as friends.

Friday.

Friday is a perfect 10. You cannot wait to see him and you can’t seem to get enough of him. You want Friday around all the time. You get attached to him. You go to bars late night and drink vodka and you think, “Man! This is life!” He is a burst of sunshine and morphine and as cute as a button in your eyes but when you feel like you’re hallucinating from all the alcohol you’ve been drinking, you urge him to take you home but he ignore you and almost don’t recognize you. So you walk alone with a vomit-stained little black dress back to your apartment while he drinks the night away with his friends. While in bed, you had a second to reevaluate your relationship with him and you realize that in life, you need someone who will take you home, not abandon you in the alley when you’re clearly drunk. And that’s the start of then end with Friday.

Saturday.

Months after months, you hesitate falling in love again. You hate pouring out your feelings to other people knowing that after all your heartaches, it is impossible to find somebody who will stay. But surprisingly, Saturday stays. He is there when Monday crashes your dreams. He picked up all the broken pieces even when he hurt himself in return. He is there when Tuesday marked you as his and he tried his very best to replace the tattooed arrows in your heart with gently wings hoping that one day, your heart will break free. He is there when Wednesday serenade you with flowers and he comforted you with all he can just to make you stop from crying. He is there when you and Thursday gave up on love. He wished he could have yours, after all. He is there when Friday ignored you, but he cannot take you home. He does not know you that much. And you will realize that no matter how Saturday shows you that he cares and loves you, you cannot reciprocate that kind of affection towards him. You love him as a person, sure. But you’re not in-love with this guy. You try your best, God knows you tried giving him a chance. But it wasn’t there. No sparks. No glitters. Nothing at all. Maybe it’s not really working out with him. Should we blame time?  Or perhaps destiny? We’ll never know.

Sunday.

You know when you meet someone and you think, “Where have you been all these crazy times?”. And you just shake your head and let out a smirk knowing that God reserving this person for you. That’s Sunday. Aren’t we all rushing through Mondays to Saturdays just to go to Sunday? You realize he’s not perfect. But he is perfect amount of all the rights and wrongs and you love him for that. You fight. But you fight because you care and you both understand that you’re both fighting to make things work. You’re happy just to watch him watch funny Youtube videos than the actual video. He’s so stunning that just watching him react to a show is more than enough entertainment for you. Sunday give you déjà vu. It’s an uncanny sensation but it feels like you have met him before. And he’s the person you cannot wait to go home after an exhausting day at work. With Sunday, you can just be yourself with no pretentions. He is your worst enemy and your biggest fan. Sunday makes you feel like the universe outsmarted you for going through all the heartaches before receiving the grand prize. All the secret dots are now making sense. All the secrets arrows are pointing to this certain somebody and you just feel so contented. But let me remind you, it will take time before you meet Sunday. It may take years to even see him and be with him. Just be patient, okay? All good things come to people who wait and it will all be worth it.