The History of the Third J – Part 1: The Beginning

I have learned that no matter how cautious I am, sometimes, I don’t always end up following my brain. I let my heart lead me. Most of the times it crush me to the point where I know I’ll never open up to anybody again but as time passes by, I catch myself slowly falling in love again. And the cycle goes on.

People say I’m smart. And I like to believe that I am. I can pretty much answer if a random geometric question is thrown at me, or anything about literature. I’m nerd like that. But when it comes to love, I am the biggest fool and hopeless romantic you’ll ever see. I do everything I can and stay in love. But I guess not every connections work out in the end. I have seen people fall out of love in movies. I have read couples drifting apart in novels. I knew people who separated out of the blue. But I haven’t guessed that the same tragic story would eventually happen to me.

You happened a month ago. A month before I bid goodbye to my 23rd year on Earth. And here I am, exactly a month after you disappeared- wondering, thinking and wandering.

You were one of those people who gets me. The one who understands my silence, even my sighs. I hesitated to let you in my life at the first few conversations but something clicked and I thought to myself, ‘why not give it a shot?’ and next thing I know, your name is on my phone every two seconds convincing me that I look like Cara Delevingne just because I, too, have the same thick eyebrows. And that made me laugh, to be honest. Not because you think I look like a supermodel-turned-movie-star, but because you saw the little details in me. And I am glad.

I’ve been playing songs repeatedly for the past weeks. Not just ordinary songs. Well, songs about us. Or, I suppose they are. You see, there’s a danger in associating certain distinct songs to certain distinct people. It’s as if all the lyrics are played in sync to what I’m currently going through. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of local music. I listen to a couple of famous bands, yes, but it’s rare for me to find a good beat from underground music locally. I love music. I listen to a lot of songs from all around. I listen mostly to bands and movie soundtracks and indie songs. But in general, I love it. Which why I fell in love with you in the first place. You play drums which happens to be the instrument that tugs my heart in all places. It’s a powerful thing to know how to play it and at the same time, I think it’s the sweetest thing to know. To know a beat. And man, heartbeats are my thing. Thanks to you, I have been going to a couple of shows around the Metro lately and I admit, we have a lot of cool bands here. I’m out of my little cocoon enjoying all the new music in my ears. I should maybe make a new playlist about it. But I think you would know all the songs since you are a bigger fan of those bands and acts than me. Maybe someday. Maybe.

So that’s where it all started- in the same love for music and drums and the same fascination how wonderfully captivating the outer space is.

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Day 2 of Learning

Babe, I still think about you. About us. About our little love story. Or perhaps, our own story about love.

I read somewhere that when you truly love someone, you would not care about the heartbreak. I guess this is true since I have felt great and immense amount of love for you that even if you have broken my heart, its pieces would still long for you. Say it’s pathetic but isn’t that what we are all going for? To be madly in love and forget the whole world and the shenanigans that comes with it. Because from what I know, love is rarely mutual. So when you find it, grab it. Never let it go. Because when you are happy, why should you care about the past heartaches and the endless possibilities of the future? This is love, kid. And if that’s true love, you don’t throw it away.

You pursue. You thrive. You work hard for it. Life is never easy. So when you find that inspiration, embrace it. Because the universe is unpredictable. And I think I’m fortunate enough to have you in this weird world.

Too bad we’re stuck in being in love. And love, babe, is not that simple. When you love, you commit. We both have to adjust, sacrifice and put effort. Maybe you are not ready today, but I cannot inspire you to love me without knowing what’s the future of us. And in this case, if we really have a future.

 

Missing You

I was seventeen when I fell in love with you.You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. You made me laugh and you made my life the best life I could live. I love how our eyes compliment your smile, how your smile compliment your eyes, and how I could get lost in awe staring at either one. I love how I can say your name over and over again, without getting tired of it. I love all the silly screenshots we have of each other, and how you always check your hair in the bathroom before we take a picture. I fell in love with the way you sleep and how your name is on the ceiling when I wake up not because I wrote it there, but because you’re the first thing on my mind every morning. I love the fact that we have your youth spent with each other. I would trade all the worlds for you, as you’d do the same for me. I love how I can be myself around you, how I can share secrets with you knowing they’re safe. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. People called us insane but we never listen.

I was wrong. I was even happier when you accepted to be with you for the rest of our lives. I couldn’t contain every happiness I feel in my bones. I thought I’d burst into million colors and hold you like there’s no one in the world but us. Those precious years are with me, my dear. Whenever you’re sad, I make you mac n’ cheese or hot chocolate. Or dance waltz with you, just like old times. When you’re sad, I hold you while you cry and let you fall asleep with your head in my lap. I wrap you in a blanket, whisper words to you to let you know you are loved, and leave you to be alone for a bit.

You occupy a good-sized apartment in my brain. I can’t get you out and I don’t want you to get out. I’d rather be doing anything with you- watching your eyes as you look on things, the way you smile at the human beings you encounter, the way they smile back. I am happy I am this close to you. You mean every universe to me.

We took an oath right? A promise? A promise that we’ll be there for each other.

I miss you. I miss the way you wake me up in the morning with the smell of coffee on the table. I miss your bad jokes and your drawings of terrible pictures of us in our bedroom wall. I miss watching funny videos of our younger years. Your imagination, your whole being.

They constantly ask how I’m doing. I want to tell them the truth- that I’m having a really hard time without you. I always wonder how it would be like if things went differently, if cancer was curable or if your heart was stronger. I was too afraid to say things worth saying. I miss the way your body felt against mine when you held me tight for the last time. I wanted to hold you and take you home but instead, you’re gone.

They ask if I’m okay but words feels so hollow, so empty. I wish you would just listen to me and know that I’m weak. I guess without you, I’m nobody. I would never be anyone but yours.

I said “I’m fine.” and gave a smile. I will always say I’m fine.