for him

I’d have you
at five in the afternoon,
When you needed someone to talk to,
a friend who will listen when you want to run away from them all.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
When the world is still spinning and time still running
Yet you wanted to walk through that street
While all the cars drove past us
and I learned new things about you.

I’d have you
an hour later,
When you’re sipping that coffee in your hand and holding your still-beating heart on the other,
As the night creeps in,
our conversations got deeper,
my heart more and more unafraid.

I’d have you
at midnight,
When we part ways and said our goodbyes,
I whispered “take care” and meant it.
Hugged you for a second then let you go.
And as I watched you turn to that street corner,
I smiled to the sky and prayed a little prayer
That maybe someday you’ll feel the same way as I do.

I’d have you
first thing in the morning,
When your name pops in my notification
and an automatic smile appeared in my face
Not only you’re in my dreams
but you’re in my world too.

I’d have you
at ten in the morning,
While I thought I know a lot of things,
you’re there giving me new ideas
And my brain is a sponge absorbing it all.

I’d have you
at noon,
When it’s raining and we’re watching the movies you like
It’s like you’re opening yourself to me.
And I’d like to take a look into your world and maybe stay there.

I’d have you
at seven in the evening,
When you’re sitting next to me singing
and I realized how lovely you are
and how you’re unafraid of who you are
and how I know I wouldn’t want anybody else.

I’d have you
at nine in the evening,
With that one last hug before the night ends,
And I told you to keep moving forward
And you smiled and told me you already did.
As I make my way home I know I’ll never have the courage
to tell you to move towards me.

I’d have you
yesterday, today and tomorrow.
When we’re both ready to open our hearts
For you to accept that she does not want you anymore
And I,
to accept that you’ll never have me the same way I have you.

12:25 AM

I found the chocolate wrapper inside my diary today. The one filled with sweet memories of us, at times where butterflies are still fluttering on our tummies. But I guess there never was a spark- and that chocolate you gave me was just a sweet nothing.

I looked at my bookshelf and saw the cookie tin. The small container that holds the entire universe whenever you look at me in the eye. But I guess just like the cookies, you are hard and I still have to grind my teeth and crush you- I don’t know if I still have the same urge.

I opened my bag and saw the bracelet. The one that binds and embraces your oddness, the thing that I used to carry with me anywhere I go. But I guess you are too heavy and you let go- and it broke into pieces just like what happened to us.

I see you everywhere.

But when I reached out for my heart, I cannot find it. The one thing I am most proud of, I do not own. It belongs to you while you give me material things that are bound to be wasted by time.

The spaces in my ribs are empty, much like my love for you is unworthy.