Almost 27 and still a crybaby

It’s crazy how I’m still a mushy potato of feelings.

In less than 12 hours, I’m turning 27 yet I still feel and think like the 14-year old me. Maybe I just look like an adult outside? Does everyone pretend to know everything? Am I the only one behind in this game?

Maybe what I’m trying to say is that, I still don’t understand me sometimes. This morning I stormed into my room and closed my door so damn hard and cried in my bed. Why? Because I’ve realized that nobody will be left tomorrow at home. It’s my day and I normally don’t want to celebrate or I hate it when people know about my birthday because it’s my brain saying I don’t deserve it and yet, now that I know that no one is spending it with me, I was like, whoa wait what?

The more I tell myself that I wanted isolation, I wanted that peace, that aloneness, the more I crave human affection.

I miss everyone.

I miss my papa, whom I only see every morning before he goes to work.

I miss my mama, her early morning routines.

I miss my siblings and how we ignore each other.

I miss my boyfriend and even though we call each other all the time, I still want to hug him and tell him I love him while looking into his eyes because I mean it.

I try to tell people around me that I care about them but I do it with my own love language.

I miss myself, too. I miss being me.

27, before I embrace you, please know that this 26 year old Raz is still a work in progress, please be gentle.

<3

Supercut

Hello, 2020.

I’m watching ‘Someone Great’ on Netflix for the nth time. This is my go-to heartbreak movie when I’m sad and I want to succumb to my sadness and cry a little bit more.

So I’ve been in love and still in love and the challenge here is: I’m me.

‘In my head I do everything right,
When you call, I’ll forgive and not fight’

I think it’s because I’m such a dumbass and sensitive and a cry-baby and (I can’t stress this further), a bitch. I keep messing things up with my boyfriend. I can’t end the day without finding something to argue about. It’s honestly so irritating to be with me. Shit, I can’t even understand why he loves me.

At this point, I would totally get it if he ignores me because I got jealous over some stupid things from the past but my brain is like, no no no tell him something so you’ll have his attention.

I’m so tired of being me.

Can I just take a break from being the baby that I am and have a mature relationship for a change?

If he leaves me, I won’t know what to do.

Is there someone else who can adjust and love me? I don’t think so.

before I leave work today

In exactly 16 minutes, I’ll be done with today’s work.

But within the whole 9-hour shift, my mind is occupied with the idea of you. No, I do not consider you as a distraction because I can pretty much handle my responsibilities (also, I have only a few tasks today).

I don’t think you have any idea how much I think about you. And that’s a pretty big deal to me. Sometimes I miss the old me, the one who will only worry about what should I eat for lunch, what should I do next weekend, where should I go next month.

But now the idea of us is probably what keeps me up all night. I dream about you to, I’m just too scared to tell you the details.

All I know is, each time I wake up, no matter where I am, I always think about you first. And I really really want you to know that you tell me your good mornings too. In our language, that means you thought of me too, the moment you opened your eyes.

I keep on praying that this will be the last relationship I’ll ever be in. I don’t want anyone else, dear. Just you.

I once sent you a lengthy message of how I feel and I’m so happy you accepted my emotions and not make me feel awkward about it.

Can you always hug me and kiss my cheek when all the words have been spoken and what’s left are our deep sighs? Can you always hold my hand and be my warmth and pull me closer and touch my fingers and look into my eyes like you want to swim into my thoughts?

It’ll take forever for me to know you and that’s one thing I won’t ever be tired of.

You’re my dearest, E.

Hello, stranger

Could it be that I’m opening my heart once again? That after all the hurt, the disappointment and the unanswered questions, I’ll take my beating heart out of my chest?

I have known you for so long that I can’t even point where I started having this strange feeling I feel in my gut. We were good friends, I know. But can this escalate to another level? Are we capable of exploring that?

I don’t want to mess this up. Honestly, I’m scared because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want this to end like the ones before you.

Please don’t stop happening to me.

Leaving you behind

I’m gonna make this post short.

This is it, the last days of the year of our Lord, 2017. But I’m still alive and breathing, and feeling for that matter. This year gave me few heartaches, struggles and blessings. I’ve been brokenhearted twice and for God’s sake I don’t wanna go over that feeling again. But who am I to be exempted from that shitty mess?

All I know is I’m still trying to love me. A constant struggle, I know. But a new year can make new hopes, right?

Sucks to be the one crying but hey, I’m done with that. I’ll miss you, Jake but I’m putting the final dot here.