Leaving you behind

I’m gonna make this post short.

This is it, the last days of the year of our Lord, 2017. But I’m still alive and breathing, and feeling for that matter. This year gave me few heartaches, struggles and blessings. I’ve been brokenhearted twice and for God’s sake I don’t wanna go over that feeling again. But who am I to be exempted from that shitty mess?

All I know is I’m still trying to love me. A constant struggle, I know. But a new year can make new hopes, right?

Sucks to be the one crying but hey, I’m done with that. I’ll miss you, Jake but I’m putting the final dot here.

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Goodbye, babe. Good night.

And it takes all my strength not to dig you up
From the ground in which you lay
The biggest part of me
You were the greatest thing
And now you’re just a memory
To let go of

I may have seen this chaos coming, but I beg the universe to somehow make a miracle and to please, for once, let me get what my heart wants.

This is me saying goodbye to you. From all the laughter and pain you brought, I’m saying goodbye to all of them.

This is me allowing my heart to heal. From all the trouble it went through.
I’m letting myself breathe.

This is me thanking you for everything. I have learned so much from you. And I’m learning that sometimes, love is not enough.

This is me finally letting go.

I miss you, come back.

Darling, when I say, “You are the compilation of the most beautiful things in the Universe”, I don’t only mean, “You are a shot of morphine in my veins” or “I could write a thousand love notes about how wonderful you are – that even in your darkness I see the light”.

Babe, I mean, “If everyone has a heart as pure as yours, there’ll be no more violence, anger and sadness”.

I miss you, baby come back.

The History of the Third J – Part 1: The Beginning

I have learned that no matter how cautious I am, sometimes, I don’t always end up following my brain. I let my heart lead me. Most of the times it crush me to the point where I know I’ll never open up to anybody again but as time passes by, I catch myself slowly falling in love again. And the cycle goes on.

People say I’m smart. And I like to believe that I am. I can pretty much answer if a random geometric question is thrown at me, or anything about literature. I’m nerd like that. But when it comes to love, I am the biggest fool and hopeless romantic you’ll ever see. I do everything I can and stay in love. But I guess not every connections work out in the end. I have seen people fall out of love in movies. I have read couples drifting apart in novels. I knew people who separated out of the blue. But I haven’t guessed that the same tragic story would eventually happen to me.

You happened a month ago. A month before I bid goodbye to my 23rd year on Earth. And here I am, exactly a month after you disappeared- wondering, thinking and wandering.

You were one of those people who gets me. The one who understands my silence, even my sighs. I hesitated to let you in my life at the first few conversations but something clicked and I thought to myself, ‘why not give it a shot?’ and next thing I know, your name is on my phone every two seconds convincing me that I look like Cara Delevingne just because I, too, have the same thick eyebrows. And that made me laugh, to be honest. Not because you think I look like a supermodel-turned-movie-star, but because you saw the little details in me. And I am glad.

I’ve been playing songs repeatedly for the past weeks. Not just ordinary songs. Well, songs about us. Or, I suppose they are. You see, there’s a danger in associating certain distinct songs to certain distinct people. It’s as if all the lyrics are played in sync to what I’m currently going through. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of local music. I listen to a couple of famous bands, yes, but it’s rare for me to find a good beat from underground music locally. I love music. I listen to a lot of songs from all around. I listen mostly to bands and movie soundtracks and indie songs. But in general, I love it. Which why I fell in love with you in the first place. You play drums which happens to be the instrument that tugs my heart in all places. It’s a powerful thing to know how to play it and at the same time, I think it’s the sweetest thing to know. To know a beat. And man, heartbeats are my thing. Thanks to you, I have been going to a couple of shows around the Metro lately and I admit, we have a lot of cool bands here. I’m out of my little cocoon enjoying all the new music in my ears. I should maybe make a new playlist about it. But I think you would know all the songs since you are a bigger fan of those bands and acts than me. Maybe someday. Maybe.

So that’s where it all started- in the same love for music and drums and the same fascination how wonderfully captivating the outer space is.

I feel

Like a flower – picked even before it bloomed
Like a sad summer song, a contradicting noise
Like a love letter never sent
Like a rainy morning on your 24th birthday

Like a planet without its moon
Like Saturn without its rings

Like a lighter without a spark
Like missing a train en route to work

Like an unfinished masterpiece
Like waking up seconds before the alarm rings
Like an army of terrified soldiers
Like reading the last chapter of a good book

Like a silent letter in a word,
always present but never whispered
Like a lost satellite on a vast galaxy
Like a forgotten beautiful shirt at the back of the closet

Like an unopened email
Like a dying protagonist at the beginning of a movie
Like being caught up in a traffic jam
Like wanting to quit a job you’ve been in for years

Like fireworks on a rainy night
Like wrecked lungs filled with butterflies
Like a dot at the end of a sentence
Like a poem with a messy theme

Like writing about what I feel when I don’t feel a thing.