Today should have been your 30th birthday

Hello To.

I’m too sad today. I cried my eyes out last night because I was dreading what will happen today. We miss you so much. Has it been two months already?

I have to admit that prior today, I’m a bit emotional than normal. Maybe because I’m guilty that I won’t be able to be with Mama and Papa and everyone. I’m at the comfort of my own home where I feel safe, To. Please forgive me for not visiting you for almost a month na.

Maybe the reason why I’m afraid to go home is because the tension is still too high? Whenever I see mama and papa, I walk on eggshells. I try not to open up topics that would possibly be connected to you — because they will cry. Not that I’m afraid of tears, but I know that they’re tired of them.

We miss you. I miss you. It’s hard to admit that I do, because we fought a lot when we were younger. Always aso’t pusa. But you know that I care for you, right? Ate is so sorry, To.

I wish I could have given you a tight hug or a good advice about your health. It’s painful for me to lose you, that my future child won’t see you. I carry our memories with me because we do share lots of happy memories.

I still can’t process that you’re gone. It’s a different kind of pain. Maybe this is why I’m so lonely lately?

But I still want to say happy birthday to my brother, my little brother. I will carry you in my heart, forever. I miss you so much it hurts.

Love, ate.

Hello, stranger!

Last time I wrote here, it was 2020. It was before the world stopped.

Luckily, I am still here. Same old emotional me but I am glad I am able to live with my thoughts, at the very least.

I got engaged with my best friend in a boat overlooking Manila, got married in a garden in Tagaytay, sprained my ankle a few times in Bangkok, landed a new writing job that gives me freedom to work from home indefinitely, had a hysterectomy operation (I’m fine, promise! The doctor took out my endometrial polyps), lost my brother, cried a lot of times when I remember him, continues to build our dream home, and now, I’m back to writing here.

I want to regain my words, if you know what I mean. I think I am truly myself when I write. But somewhere along the way, I forgot how to. Or maybe I got busy? Maybe I made it as an excuse not to write? I boast myself as a brilliant writer but inside, I’m really afraid to write. I forgot how incredible it feels to pour my heart out on a blank space and how that same blank nothingness turn into something.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to be me again. A lot of things happened over the past few years but I want to be an improved version of a 26 year old me.

So, help me, okay? And thank you.

I never would have thought that I will write again, but here you are, reading something from me after all these years.

x

Almost 27 and still a crybaby

It’s crazy how I’m still a mushy potato of feelings.

In less than 12 hours, I’m turning 27 yet I still feel and think like the 14-year old me. Maybe I just look like an adult outside? Does everyone pretend to know everything? Am I the only one behind in this game?

Maybe what I’m trying to say is that, I still don’t understand me sometimes. This morning I stormed into my room and closed my door so damn hard and cried in my bed. Why? Because I’ve realized that nobody will be left tomorrow at home. It’s my day and I normally don’t want to celebrate or I hate it when people know about my birthday because it’s my brain saying I don’t deserve it and yet, now that I know that no one is spending it with me, I was like, whoa wait what?

The more I tell myself that I wanted isolation, I wanted that peace, that aloneness, the more I crave human affection.

I miss everyone.

I miss my papa, whom I only see every morning before he goes to work.

I miss my mama, her early morning routines.

I miss my siblings and how we ignore each other.

I miss my boyfriend and even though we call each other all the time, I still want to hug him and tell him I love him while looking into his eyes because I mean it.

I try to tell people around me that I care about them but I do it with my own love language.

I miss myself, too. I miss being me.

27, before I embrace you, please know that this 26 year old Raz is still a work in progress, please be gentle.

<3

Supercut

Hello, 2020.

I’m watching ‘Someone Great’ on Netflix for the nth time. This is my go-to heartbreak movie when I’m sad and I want to succumb to my sadness and cry a little bit more.

So I’ve been in love and still in love and the challenge here is: I’m me.

‘In my head I do everything right,
When you call, I’ll forgive and not fight’

I think it’s because I’m such a dumbass and sensitive and a cry-baby and (I can’t stress this further), a bitch. I keep messing things up with my boyfriend. I can’t end the day without finding something to argue about. It’s honestly so irritating to be with me. Shit, I can’t even understand why he loves me.

At this point, I would totally get it if he ignores me because I got jealous over some stupid things from the past but my brain is like, no no no tell him something so you’ll have his attention.

I’m so tired of being me.

Can I just take a break from being the baby that I am and have a mature relationship for a change?

If he leaves me, I won’t know what to do.

Is there someone else who can adjust and love me? I don’t think so.

before I leave work today

In exactly 16 minutes, I’ll be done with today’s work.

But within the whole 9-hour shift, my mind is occupied with the idea of you. No, I do not consider you as a distraction because I can pretty much handle my responsibilities (also, I have only a few tasks today).

I don’t think you have any idea how much I think about you. And that’s a pretty big deal to me. Sometimes I miss the old me, the one who will only worry about what should I eat for lunch, what should I do next weekend, where should I go next month.

But now the idea of us is probably what keeps me up all night. I dream about you to, I’m just too scared to tell you the details.

All I know is, each time I wake up, no matter where I am, I always think about you first. And I really really want you to know that you tell me your good mornings too. In our language, that means you thought of me too, the moment you opened your eyes.

I keep on praying that this will be the last relationship I’ll ever be in. I don’t want anyone else, dear. Just you.

I once sent you a lengthy message of how I feel and I’m so happy you accepted my emotions and not make me feel awkward about it.

Can you always hug me and kiss my cheek when all the words have been spoken and what’s left are our deep sighs? Can you always hold my hand and be my warmth and pull me closer and touch my fingers and look into my eyes like you want to swim into my thoughts?

It’ll take forever for me to know you and that’s one thing I won’t ever be tired of.

You’re my dearest, E.